Fireworks

Well Hello there,

Its been over a month since I have blogged!  Wow what a month. 

My husband is not well.  He has been in hospital for 2 weeks.  He is not himself.  He is forgetful.  He hasn't got the same personality he had a month ago.  Where did he go?  We don't know what is wrong with him.  Dr's can't find anything.  He has a walking stick.  I am living with a man who kind of looks like my husband but I don't know him.

I am lost and confused myself.  I am scared and I HATE watching him like this.  It breaks my heart.  I don't know what to do.  I am looking after 3 children, caring for my husband.  I have to do everything.  He can not help me.  I have to get his food for him and the kids.  Drive all of us everywhere.  I have to worry about the fact that it is going to be 4 weeks without any income - HOLY SHIT.  Its nearly Christmas.  Our future is so uncertain.  I don't know what to do.  It is so hard to hold this all together.  I am tired but hardly sleep.

I am sick of this.  Everyone keeps asking me what they can do.  So this is what they can do.

Talk to me about things, anything.  Something funny would be great.  Help me forget this nightmare for just 5 mins.  I don't care that you are sorry because I am sorrier.  I don't care that you wish you could up us because I wish someone anyone could help us.  But you can't.  I am totally consumed by my own family.  All I can handle is 1 day at a time.  All I can do is what I have to do for the 5 of us, my plate is overflowing right now and I can not take on anymore.  There is no out.  For now, I am stuck in this hell, for better or worse.

Tonight, I finally found time to read my friends blogs.  Well I have been crying most of the night and that just pushed me over lol.  Why you may ask?  Well because you know what, life goes on.  Just because my life is falling apart at the seams, well guess what.  My friends are sick, hurt, they have worries of their own.  They have great things happening in their lives.  And where I have been in all of this?  I have not been their shoulder to cry on.  I have not been there to laugh with them, shop with them, cry with them.  I am too self involved and that I hate more than anything.

I am going to do my best to be there more for my friends and family.  To be an active part of their lives and their joys and sorrows.  Right now for every person out there, (especially me) there is some people better off than you and there are people who are worse off.  Some people are hurting more than you are, they are struggling more.  Stop a second and look at what you do have.  Stop complaining, for just 1 day.  Can you do that?  Stop looking at what you don't have and look at what you do have.  Unfortunately, its easier to be negative. 

The positives in my life right now (are a little harder to see, a bit like Where's Wally? but they are there)

My husband is alive and at home with us.
My children are doing an amazing job of trying to adjust to life with less money - I am proud of them.
My mother and I have not been this close in forever, and I am loving our closeness and her support.
I feel so blessed with all the friends that have been helping us and caring for us, we are very lucky.
I am learning that I am a tougher cookie than I thought.  Its hard but I am doing this!

So at least one day a week I am going to see if I can not say anything negative all day!  How about you??

There is a song that has been giving me courage right now.  It is Firework by Katy Perry.  During this time I hope that I can be a firework.  I hope you can be one too, because the only thing we can control in this life is ourselves.  We are responsible for our words and our actions.  Wouldn't it be better to inspire people and life them up and encourage them rather than be a nag, a complainer?  I have the most beautiful friend who is just FUN! She lights up my life and my heart and I want to be more like her! xo


Enjoy my fav song at the moment.

Firework @ Yahoo! Video

The Cover UP

I feel like my life is a cover up at the moment.  I am unsuccessfully covering the fact that I am once again falling apart at the seams.

On a lighter note, my children try to cover up their own multitude of sins.

The boys seem to have some issues with not being able to pee in the toilet bowl.  Instead of telling me or asking me to get a mop the boys try to hide the fact by getting a towel and putting it on the floor.  What the?  Firstly GROSS! Secondly, what the?????

Grace also likes to hide her "sins" with tea towels.  For example, the other day Grace asked for toast.  I made toast and then she decided she wanted Coco Pops for breakfast.  I said NO, eat the toast and then you can have coco pops.  I thought I had won that fight after a huge tantrum.  Then I get busy with the boys and she comes to me with an overflowing bowl of coco pops (fortunately minus the milk).  I go mad, go looking for the packet and can't find it.  I go to her bedroom and there is an empty coco pops box on the floor and a tea towel.  Under the tea towel was a very large mound of coco pops, stuck to the towel and the floor.  Just great!  What on earth was she thinking with the tea towel?

If she spills something, she won't tell me, I will just find random tea towels on the floor.

Something needs to be done though when last night I found a tea towel near the laundry door.  (just near the 1 toilet door we have)  I pick it up and she has had a number 2 accident.  The problem is, with 1 toilet there is often a wait.  Obviously she couldn't wait.  Instead of telling me, she puts a tea towel over it.  OMG WTF?

What am I going to do?  (its kind of funny kind of not).

Obviously trying to hide things is not a good choice.  But what do you do?

What do you do when everyone has their own problems?  When you are always having a drama, when do your friends get their chance?  Part of being a good friend is being there for them too.  Something I am not doing right now. 

I have gone mad.  I know it but can't stop it.  Did you know that they are all talking about me behind my back?  They are sick of me!  They are sick of my children.  Look I am sure that is not the case but that is what I am thinking. 

If you know me I am not thinking anything positive about you right now.  Now I don't mean that I am thinking mean things about you but that I am thinking you are being mean to me.  Silly huh!  I know it but its not stopping.  Its taking over and for the life of me I can not find the STOP button.

My son has Aspergers.  I am sorry about that.  I am sorry about his moods and the things he says and does.  He is moody and mean sometimes.  I HATE IT.  I am sorry for them and their children.  I am stuck between hating what he is doing and the overwhelming need to protect him.  I can not cope with him like this.  It breaks my heart.  I am sad, heart broken.  Its not their fault, its not his either.  I don't know how to make him understand what he says is inappropriate.  Aspergers is NOT an excuse for bad behaviour, but what do I do?

My son is the Tin Woodsman from Wizard of Oz.  He needs a heart!

Oz: As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.

I wish that was the case.  I know I am being melodramatic BUT this is so difficult. My chest hurts, I can't breath.  I hate this....

It feels everything is going wrong.  I am fighting as hard as I can to hold it together.

Josh is well, Josh.  He is struggling with life.

Zac is tired and hitting out a lot.

Grace is 2!

David has hurt his back.  He didn't go to work today and he may not go in the rest of week due to immature men, trying to hurt him financially for being in pain and not going to work. 

We have bills coming out of our ears and now no work, so no pay.

Family drama's are endless....

But no one is dying.  I have a lot to be grateful for.  Why is that not my focus?  I am selfish I guess.....

Just when it all started to get better it is getting worse again.  I am in flight mode.  I want to leave.  Pack up and go, but where do I go and what do I do?  What does that achieve?  Before you know it we will be in the same boat AGAIN.

Everyone has problems.  I am not the only one. I just need to HTFU.  If I have learned anything from therapy it is "its all about positive perspective".  Now I need to teach that to the voices in my head, lol.

If you are reading this and you know me, I am sorry. I don't want you to say anything or do anything.  This is the hard thing about blogging, you want to get "it" out there but then everyone sees.  I just need to put it out there.  I want to scream and I can't.  I know you are struggling too my friends, I know its not all about me.  I am sorry. I need you to know my grip is slipping and I am so sorry.  I do love you, even though I am not showing it.....

I was talking to a friend tonight about your song, your in love bridal waltz song. I realised it has been such a long time since I heard mine. When I got married we didn't have "a song" as such. But I heard this on the radio and loved it. I shared it with David and he liked it to. I don't know that its our song as such but this was our bridal waltz and I guess its as close as we're going to get to having "our song".
So I thought I'd share......

Bring back the happy......

I realised it has been a while since I posted last.

To be honest I don't really have anything to say.  But since I was doing this blog to try and help me through some tough spots, I thought I would post today since I am in a tough spot!

I have been doing really well emotionally.  I am feeling 'better', more 'normal'.  I have been coping.  But today meh, not so much.  All of a sudden the negative thoughts are back.  I feel like crap.  Unloved and unloveable.  I don't want people to say oh but I love you either right now, that would feel fake.  The down side to blogging is that getting how you feel out there can sometimes look like you are attention seeking.  I guess that is why it has taken me a lot to decide to blog this.

Things are not that bad, I have been a lot worse, but after feeling well for a little bit, to feel like this again really sux.  My twitching was almost non existent to me anyway but today I twitched.  At family dinner I started having an anxiety attack.  Just typing this is making this little witch twitch.

So what to do what to do?  I hope when I wake tomorrow I will have returned to normal!

I do not understand depression at all, honestly its horrid.

There has been a bit going on, we are having a family feud :-(  I hate it.  I hate the bad behaviour from all of us.  I feel just awful about it all.  But we are not the only ones, something is not right with the world at the moment.  Have you noticed it too or is it just me?
I have 2 other friends who are fighting with family too.  I have 1 friend who is causing a drama.  I see on facebook people unhappy or having bad days and it just seems to be more frequent.

Today my youngest children were fighting.  This morning Zac hurt Grace on the trampoline and she had a bleeding mouth.  This afternoon Grace threw are car at Zac's head resulting in a rush to the Dr and a very sad Zac.

What is going on?????

Somebody Please BRING BACK THE HAPPY!!

Cinderella

This seems to be a bit of a topic in several different circles I am in at the moment.

Relationships, working or not!

We grow up with many a story about princesses falling in love and living happily ever after.  I loved it.  I wanted happily ever after, with Prince Charming of course.  I mean if it could happen in Pretty Woman then surely it could happen to me?!

To be truthful, I am not quite sure what I believe anymore.  I used to think that love was butterflies in my stomach.  Wanting to do anything for and with the other person.  My heart racing, my eyes sparkling and me glowing.

Then, I decided that was a load of crap!

Now, I just don't know.

Before you think I am having marriage problems, I am not.  All is good here at the moment.

But I don't know that there is just 1 person who is "the one".  Do you have a soul mate?

I have a friend who after many years is still madly in love, and it shows.  Not just on her face but on her husbands face too.  Each time they look at each other, it is amazing and beautiful. 

(I must say we tend to tease them about it but the reality is, they are inspirational) 

My psychologist says love like that is rare.  Most people are lucky to find comfortable, contentment.  (surprised me)

A friend has just broken up with his partner, a major factor he says were difference over her children.  Its tough for someone to come in and become a step mother or father.  Discipline seems to be a major issue here, its so easy to think "don't say that to my child" or who do you think you are you are not their Mother/Father.  Difficult situation, for all involved.

I have another friend who I have been encouraging to go out on a date with someone - ANYONE! lol

I have to say I have thought that she was being to picky (after all no one is perfect).  But now I am not so sure.  She says she wants more than what is on offer now.  I have been rolling my eyes at her, but now I realise that she should wait for more and then some.  You can not be too picky.

I know this has been a little disjointed.  I guess I am trying to look at different scenarios that are going on now and make some sense out of it all.

I think the bottom line is that, for some, they do find Prince Charming.  If that is you, you are blessed.

Some of us need to realise that the grass is not always greener on the other side. 

There is more to life than having a partner.  Being single doesn't have to be the end of the world.

Life is short.  Don't settle.  Fight for what you want out of life, out of a partner.  As much as we would like everything to be easy and uncomplicated, it isn't.  The reality is, life is hard.  You don't need a partner to make it harder.  Once you have children with someone they are forever a part of your life.

As much as you want and should be with someone for who they are not what they are, a balance is essential.  If he can't hold down a job no matter how passionate you are, that passion won't pay the bills.  They don't have to be rich but a guy with a good work ethic is important, one with ambition.

Wow I could go on forever with my check list.....

So are things any more clear?  Sure they are, as clear as mud!!

Relationships of all kinds are difficult.  I think the most complicated thing in this life is Love!

I would really like to hear thoughts and stories.....  share the love!

What is Happiness?

Definition of Happiness -
•state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.
 

 
 
I have been depressed for so long now, I don't even remember not being depressed.  Most of the time (until recently) I seemed fine!  But then everything became too much.  sigh.  But that was then.  It is a road I have walked before and I hope that I don't have to walk it again.  It was a lot more treacherous this time...
 (I digress)
 
So happiness is something I am striving for.  I didn't realise how negative I was until I started going to therapy.  I was negative about myself more than I was about others.  I am trying my hardest, to be happy.  To not assume the negative about situations, comments made by others and people's intentions.  Its hard.  Its not my first instinct, but I am working on it; and it seems to be working.
I'll give you an example:
My Mum was having us over for dinner.  She wanted to know what she could do for the kids that they would enjoy.  In the end it was decided that we would have our own version of Cold Rock.  I was excited that she had wanted to do something nice with them.  And then she tells me that her sister in law does great things with her grandchildren.  And there was my let down.  Immediately, I think negative.  I think that she is only doing this so that she looks better in front of her sister in law.  But that was the old me. 
The new me decided to embrace the night for what it was.  I stayed happy.  I appreciated the idea, the fact that she wanted to do something special with my children.  By me keeping positive and happy it improved the atmosphere of the night.  We all had a good time, just by choosing to be happy.  The thoughts were still there, but I tried to let them go.  It really helped.
 
 

 
I know someone who in my opinion 'fakes' being depressed for attention.  I have no idea why? 
Who wants to be depressed? Its not a choice.
 
So I am on my way to hopefully being a better person, a more positive person, the person I am supposed to be.
(the song line - I'm on my way from misery to happiness today , a ha a ha a ah comes to mind LOL)
 
So what makes you happy?
 
Is it:
 

A nice home and car

Sex or Romance

Designer Wardrobe

Success

Travel

Family

 
 
For me its:
 
 





My family

The Best Girlfriends in the world.

My obsession....... (don't judge me!!)

I love giving gifts!




I hope that tomorrow brings you happiness and blessings your way!

 
 
 

I've got nothing.. so here is what I want.....

I have nothing to blog right now.  Its school holidays and nothing is grabbing me to share so since I am drowning in fights and laughter, movie days, playing football and riding bikes. The I wants and the trashing of the house.  I love it and hate it all at the same time lol

So this is what I am craving right now (other than enjoying time with my children of course).  In no particular order.

I really want a clean house......

How nice would it be to have this waiting for you!

I'm craving a girls night out.  With giggling and warm fuzzes and teasing and being dressed up and all that goes with it.

I desperately need a hair cut and a colour for that matter!!

A massage would be great.

This is a little odd but I would really like to go dancing.  I used to love night clubs.  I am WAY too old for it though.

This would be so much fun.  My children are craving this sort of thing right now.  They are over the bad weather.

Reading while in bed with peace and quiet would be fantastic!