The Cover UP

I feel like my life is a cover up at the moment.  I am unsuccessfully covering the fact that I am once again falling apart at the seams.

On a lighter note, my children try to cover up their own multitude of sins.

The boys seem to have some issues with not being able to pee in the toilet bowl.  Instead of telling me or asking me to get a mop the boys try to hide the fact by getting a towel and putting it on the floor.  What the?  Firstly GROSS! Secondly, what the?????

Grace also likes to hide her "sins" with tea towels.  For example, the other day Grace asked for toast.  I made toast and then she decided she wanted Coco Pops for breakfast.  I said NO, eat the toast and then you can have coco pops.  I thought I had won that fight after a huge tantrum.  Then I get busy with the boys and she comes to me with an overflowing bowl of coco pops (fortunately minus the milk).  I go mad, go looking for the packet and can't find it.  I go to her bedroom and there is an empty coco pops box on the floor and a tea towel.  Under the tea towel was a very large mound of coco pops, stuck to the towel and the floor.  Just great!  What on earth was she thinking with the tea towel?

If she spills something, she won't tell me, I will just find random tea towels on the floor.

Something needs to be done though when last night I found a tea towel near the laundry door.  (just near the 1 toilet door we have)  I pick it up and she has had a number 2 accident.  The problem is, with 1 toilet there is often a wait.  Obviously she couldn't wait.  Instead of telling me, she puts a tea towel over it.  OMG WTF?

What am I going to do?  (its kind of funny kind of not).

Obviously trying to hide things is not a good choice.  But what do you do?

What do you do when everyone has their own problems?  When you are always having a drama, when do your friends get their chance?  Part of being a good friend is being there for them too.  Something I am not doing right now. 

I have gone mad.  I know it but can't stop it.  Did you know that they are all talking about me behind my back?  They are sick of me!  They are sick of my children.  Look I am sure that is not the case but that is what I am thinking. 

If you know me I am not thinking anything positive about you right now.  Now I don't mean that I am thinking mean things about you but that I am thinking you are being mean to me.  Silly huh!  I know it but its not stopping.  Its taking over and for the life of me I can not find the STOP button.

My son has Aspergers.  I am sorry about that.  I am sorry about his moods and the things he says and does.  He is moody and mean sometimes.  I HATE IT.  I am sorry for them and their children.  I am stuck between hating what he is doing and the overwhelming need to protect him.  I can not cope with him like this.  It breaks my heart.  I am sad, heart broken.  Its not their fault, its not his either.  I don't know how to make him understand what he says is inappropriate.  Aspergers is NOT an excuse for bad behaviour, but what do I do?

My son is the Tin Woodsman from Wizard of Oz.  He needs a heart!

Oz: As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.

I wish that was the case.  I know I am being melodramatic BUT this is so difficult. My chest hurts, I can't breath.  I hate this....

It feels everything is going wrong.  I am fighting as hard as I can to hold it together.

Josh is well, Josh.  He is struggling with life.

Zac is tired and hitting out a lot.

Grace is 2!

David has hurt his back.  He didn't go to work today and he may not go in the rest of week due to immature men, trying to hurt him financially for being in pain and not going to work. 

We have bills coming out of our ears and now no work, so no pay.

Family drama's are endless....

But no one is dying.  I have a lot to be grateful for.  Why is that not my focus?  I am selfish I guess.....

Just when it all started to get better it is getting worse again.  I am in flight mode.  I want to leave.  Pack up and go, but where do I go and what do I do?  What does that achieve?  Before you know it we will be in the same boat AGAIN.

Everyone has problems.  I am not the only one. I just need to HTFU.  If I have learned anything from therapy it is "its all about positive perspective".  Now I need to teach that to the voices in my head, lol.

If you are reading this and you know me, I am sorry. I don't want you to say anything or do anything.  This is the hard thing about blogging, you want to get "it" out there but then everyone sees.  I just need to put it out there.  I want to scream and I can't.  I know you are struggling too my friends, I know its not all about me.  I am sorry. I need you to know my grip is slipping and I am so sorry.  I do love you, even though I am not showing it.....