Fireworks

Well Hello there,

Its been over a month since I have blogged!  Wow what a month. 

My husband is not well.  He has been in hospital for 2 weeks.  He is not himself.  He is forgetful.  He hasn't got the same personality he had a month ago.  Where did he go?  We don't know what is wrong with him.  Dr's can't find anything.  He has a walking stick.  I am living with a man who kind of looks like my husband but I don't know him.

I am lost and confused myself.  I am scared and I HATE watching him like this.  It breaks my heart.  I don't know what to do.  I am looking after 3 children, caring for my husband.  I have to do everything.  He can not help me.  I have to get his food for him and the kids.  Drive all of us everywhere.  I have to worry about the fact that it is going to be 4 weeks without any income - HOLY SHIT.  Its nearly Christmas.  Our future is so uncertain.  I don't know what to do.  It is so hard to hold this all together.  I am tired but hardly sleep.

I am sick of this.  Everyone keeps asking me what they can do.  So this is what they can do.

Talk to me about things, anything.  Something funny would be great.  Help me forget this nightmare for just 5 mins.  I don't care that you are sorry because I am sorrier.  I don't care that you wish you could up us because I wish someone anyone could help us.  But you can't.  I am totally consumed by my own family.  All I can handle is 1 day at a time.  All I can do is what I have to do for the 5 of us, my plate is overflowing right now and I can not take on anymore.  There is no out.  For now, I am stuck in this hell, for better or worse.

Tonight, I finally found time to read my friends blogs.  Well I have been crying most of the night and that just pushed me over lol.  Why you may ask?  Well because you know what, life goes on.  Just because my life is falling apart at the seams, well guess what.  My friends are sick, hurt, they have worries of their own.  They have great things happening in their lives.  And where I have been in all of this?  I have not been their shoulder to cry on.  I have not been there to laugh with them, shop with them, cry with them.  I am too self involved and that I hate more than anything.

I am going to do my best to be there more for my friends and family.  To be an active part of their lives and their joys and sorrows.  Right now for every person out there, (especially me) there is some people better off than you and there are people who are worse off.  Some people are hurting more than you are, they are struggling more.  Stop a second and look at what you do have.  Stop complaining, for just 1 day.  Can you do that?  Stop looking at what you don't have and look at what you do have.  Unfortunately, its easier to be negative. 

The positives in my life right now (are a little harder to see, a bit like Where's Wally? but they are there)

My husband is alive and at home with us.
My children are doing an amazing job of trying to adjust to life with less money - I am proud of them.
My mother and I have not been this close in forever, and I am loving our closeness and her support.
I feel so blessed with all the friends that have been helping us and caring for us, we are very lucky.
I am learning that I am a tougher cookie than I thought.  Its hard but I am doing this!

So at least one day a week I am going to see if I can not say anything negative all day!  How about you??

There is a song that has been giving me courage right now.  It is Firework by Katy Perry.  During this time I hope that I can be a firework.  I hope you can be one too, because the only thing we can control in this life is ourselves.  We are responsible for our words and our actions.  Wouldn't it be better to inspire people and life them up and encourage them rather than be a nag, a complainer?  I have the most beautiful friend who is just FUN! She lights up my life and my heart and I want to be more like her! xo


Enjoy my fav song at the moment.

Firework @ Yahoo! Video